It’s Time To Have A Difficult Discussion About Racism

Besides, it’s time to stop tip-toeing around the issue and call it what it is once & for all!

Race and racism have become a hot-button discussion globally over the past year. The voices of the voiceless are finally feeling validated in sharing their experiences and lack of representation in many aspects of society, and it is refreshing to engage in such listening sessions.

However, in the wake of three of the most recent high profile discussions — the Meghan Markle interview with Oprah, Sharon Osbourne on The Talk, and Piers Morgan’s exit from Good Morning Britain — it has become clear that some of these discussions may require a new approach to engage a purposeful dialogue.

Let’s face the reality that few people in the world want to be labeled as “racist.” It is a horrible and personal label that pronounces the inherited stereotypical beliefs about another race, based on learned behaviors and biases. Although we are quick to label specific sayings or perceived beliefs as “racist,” there is a much better way to deconstruct this stereotype, that can be more effective, especially to those who feel defensive about the term.

Racism vs Racialized Undertones

I may receive lots of pushback for this, but there is a defined difference between being a “racist” and having “racialized” undertones. As someone who labels themselves as an Afro-Caribbean woman, who has been called every name in the book in public and private, from Coconut to Coon (yep, in public), I can always identify the root of the context of inappropriate thoughts.

A “racist” is vile and prefaces a world with his/her “own kind” as a superior being. They are indoctrinated with stereotypes that are often unproven, as a way to connect a man-made “theory” to a potential interaction. For example, my husband and I were in a car accident 12 years ago in a rural part of South Carolina, with our 3-year-old son in the backseat. A driver ran a stop sign and slammed into us at a high rate of speed. My husband was rushed to the hospital, leaving my toddler and me at the scene to be picked up by my mother-in-law. I walked into a small country store to try to get my son a bottle of juice and calm his nerves, and the owner rushed to the door and said, “They serve your kind better about a mile down the road.”

As a Northerner, I was peeved when he said “your kind,” as if this were the 1950’s, with a “White’s Only” sign on the door. The owner clearly witnessed the accident but refused to allow us in the store. Luckily, my mother-in-law pulled up shortly after. Ironically, I have traveled down I-26 many times thereafter, most recently in 2020, and that exit still brings me unbelievable trauma. I try to make sure I have no reason to stop there for gas at any time. Although my son is much older today, he still remembers the incident as well.

That is the definition of racism.

However, there are also “racialized beliefs,” which carry similar undertones as racism, but not the same indoctrinated way of thinking. Racialized beliefs are basic assumptions about race or culture based on socialized encounters or common media portrayals.

Take Sharon Osbourne’s daughter, Kelly Osbourne, during her 2015 appearance on The View, where her controversial statement against, then, Presidential candidate Donald Trump, ruffled a few feathers when she stated, “If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?” Subsequently, Kelly issued an apology after the show, and was quite defensive immediately following the statement, which was labeled by some as “racist.”

Well, I question that theory!

Kelly Osbourne’s statement was “racialized.” It was the assumption that Latino’s clean bathrooms for the rich and famous. In theory, that may (or may not) be her lived experience as a privileged child of the rock and roll legend himself, Ozzy Osbourne. She may have used her own experience and crossed referenced it with Donald Trump, however, her intended “jab” didn’t sit well with the audience. Her statement didn’t appear “racist,” it was “racialized.” It was a stereotype that she expressed, but was demeaning and degrading to an entire culture.

Six years later, her mother Sharon is facing the same fate over her comments on The Talk. Sharon’s support of Piers Morgan following the bombshell Meghan Markle interview is quite divisive. The moment Sharon said, “I feel like I’m about to be put in the electric chair because I have a friend, who many people think is a racist, so that makes me a racist,” I felt she put up the wall of defensiveness, without allowing the platform to act as a teachable moment, not just for her, but for the world. Her tears and her tone towards the other co-hosts are the same undertones that people of color have faced while trying to educate others about how racialized stereotypes and assumptions make them feel excluded.

I do not believe Sharon Osbourne is racist, I believe she is racialized. Besides, British culture can be very inclusive, yet deceiving. When you do not live in a diverse world, or even notice that those around you are monolithic, it is easy to miss the opportunity to open your mind to the pain of others. Racialized beliefs, if left untreated or uneducated, can become racist. The defensive party always feels attacked when they are in the midst of being educated, and this has been the disconnect for people of color, who have some level of empathy for their behavior. This level of education is the reason Piers Morgan walked off of the set of Good Morning Britain, as Alex Beresford, a man of color, tried to explain the perils of hurtful propaganda towards Meghan Markle. Piers walking off of the set is also setting the standard that a privileged man has nothing to learn from a person of color.

No matter which side of the discussion you are on, one thing is true — Every experience is not normative. What is normal in your world may not be normal in someone else’s life. Over the past year, we have had to bring racism to the forefront to prove that we are not all treated equally or fairly. Time after time, people of color are discounted and dismissed. I remember a wise scholar once told me that “The character of Black people is always in line for assassination, even after death.” In the wake of George Floyd or Breonna Taylor, their public cry for help wasn’t enough, but in the media, journalists are picking apart their pasts, as if they were horrible people, who deserved to be murdered at the hands of law enforcement. It brought tears to my eyes to listen to pundits and politicians alike refer to George Floyd as a “drug user,” as if that was the cause of death.

Keep in mind that equality requires education. Listening to each other and learning how a segment of society has been walking on eggshells to avoid defensive undertones and confrontational scenarios.

Leading the Path To Progress

It starts by listening! Stop saying “I’m not racist!” You are making it worse. Instead, ask “What part of what I said is causing you to say that? I need to learn.” A blanket statement such as “I don’t have a racist bone in my body,” or “I have Black people at my home all of the time,” are survival statements in today’s society and have no impact.

To understand how to curate such conversations, it is important to recognize the difference between Lived Experiences and Shared Experiences.

I live in a nice suburban community, with an abundance of diverse families from every part of the world. From Iran, Pakistan, Africa, and Germany — my community of a beautiful mix of culture, food, and family. My neighbor, who is German American, has a son approximately the same age as mine. Before the pandemic, we would see each other as we hurried our sons into the car for school. They attend neighboring academies, with a very Euro-centric population.

The shared experiences I have with my neighbor are:

• We are parents
• We have teenage sons
• We both leave at 7:20 am each day
• We both are obsessed with Soccer (Football)

The lived experience is where the division begins. I am sure that my neighbor does not have to have “the talk” every day with her son —

• “Take off your hood when you get in the car, we can be stopped by the police”
• “Look friendly, you don’t want anyone to feel intimidated by your height and presence”
• “Take the ear pods out of your ear, they may assume something”

I engage in this “talk” daily. It is the talk that many Black parents must have with their sons every day. Many of my Caucasian friends have said I am overreacting, but my lived experience is one that causes me to lean on the side of caution, especially after Treyvon Martin. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my son makes it home every day. Just because I live in a privileged community doesn’t mean that the privilege is extended to my family. In fact, I live only a few miles away from a recent police killing of an unarmed Black man, who was shot after seeking help when his car was totaled by a hit-and-run driver. He was a successful sports agent living in an affluent neighboring suburb.

The lived experience of people of color continues to be discounted and unheard of by those who choose to believe we all live in a fair world and we tend to use “race” as an excuse. Nothing can be further from the truth. The reference of race or racism may not be your experience, but it is the shared truth of others. This is why the Meghan Markle interview has divided us all. While some may feel that living the life of a Royal is easy, Meghan’s lived experience caused her to feel isolated. By listening and learning, it becomes easier to dismiss your assumptions about “traditional” Royal life. Remarks from several high-profile celebrities saying “cry me a river” is exactly why Black people feel isolated.

On the other hand, the Royal Family may not have intended to make Meghan feel isolated, and may not be racist, but it is clear that members of the “firm” have racialized beliefs based on their public reaction to the interview. Again, just saying “I am not racist” isn’t good enough. The best approach is to be open to learning from the experiences of others, especially as most marginalized groups throughout the world are grappling with generational pain, and inequality on multiple levels — not just racism.

Diversity “training” doesn’t work!

The Diversity Equity & Inclusion space has now become a quota system of placing underrepresented groups in highly visible opportunities. These quotas only fill corporate responsibility agendas, which rarely trickles down to marginalized communities with qualified talent. The DEI space is deceiving to the impact of racialized undertones, as it may appear that the world is filled with equal opportunity and access. Well, let me dismiss the myth that a seat at the table means that your voice is heard. I have been asked to sit on corporate boards and silenced. It was great for the corporation to take pictures to add to their website, but I was not welcomed. When I tried to hold the door open for other women, it was clear that they were not welcomed, because it was never an opportunity, it was a photo-op.

What can you do?

• Stop being defensive, just listen!
• Use empathy instead of raising your voice to the voiceless.
• Understand that lived experiences are not the same as shared experiences.
• Your intention may not be “racist,” but racialized tones hurt just as much.
• Your intention may not be someone else’s experience.
• Remember, silence is loud. It indicates complacency.

By diminishing the voices of the marginalized by labeling them as “emotional” or “always using the race card,” you are miscategorizing personal pain. Also, people of color don’t believe everyone is racist, but we are very aware of racialized insensitivity toward the feeling of isolation or exclusion. Taking the time to recognize that you may not have lived the same experience as others will help you to become aware of your own blind spots, where you may have missed an opportunity to learn, rather than weaponize your own voice by telling others to “get over it.”

Some healing takes education, listening, and understanding….most of all — TIME!

Carol Sankar is a consultant and the founder of The Confidence Factor for Women in Leadership. She has been featured at TEDx, The Steve Harvey Show, Harvard Business School, The United Way and more. In addition, her work has been covered by Inc. Magazine, Glamour, O Magazine, Forbes, Harvard, Entrepreneur Magazine — to name a few. Carol is also a contributor for Inc., & Entrepreneur Magazine. For more details, visit www.carolsankar.com