5 Questions No One Ever Asks My Husband
Although we talk endlessly about equality, the playing field for men and women is still not equal. It is time to learn the importance of shifting perspectives for working families.
The alarm goes off at the same time in our home. It is time to brew the coffee, toast a bagel for my son, warm up the car, and rush out of the door for all of us. My husband and I believe in taking our son to school together as much as possible, as it is our only morning family social and spiritual time. After my son gets out of the car, we rush back home, and get ready for the day ahead.
My husband works in retail sales. He spends his mornings on the phone, putting out small fires, before he leaves for the day. I own 2 consulting firms, speak globally and a new e-commerce venture, so my days are very unpredictable.
I always say that my office is at the B-12 terminal of the airport, as it is where I spend the majority of my time. When I arrive at my destination, either for a meeting or a talk, it seems that my life is governed by limiting questions about how I must feel after leaving my son. It is always at that moment, that I begin to ask, “I wonder if anyone else has ever asked Mr. Sankar that question?”
I usually text him and trade stories and experiences. In the 20 years we have been married, the questions about domestic and familial responsibilities are always directed toward me. However, at the negotiating table for every deal that I am working on, it often seems to underscore my value as a lofty dream.
So, I started a recent diary of all of the things that people never ask my husband. We can continue to “pretend” that equality is equal, but it is not. I have learned how to navigate the world and remain neutral about responding to limiting questions and conversations, but I could not help but wonder if I am alone in my thinking. Here are my top 5.
How do you find work life balance?
We are the proud parents of a teenage son, and share in many of the responsibilities. However, my business is not stationary, which does require over 150 days a year of travel, so my husband has to step in during my absence. In every meeting I attend, the presumptive question arises, “How do you manage it all?”
On the other hand, my husband never endures the same assumption of work-life balance. No one asks him how he manages to balance a busy life with a traveling spouse, business and child who has numerous activities. When I am faced with the work life balance question, I normally respond “I did not make our son alone, so WE balance just fine.”
Why does society still assume that work-life balance is still a “woman’s” issue, rather than a shared family responsibility? More importantly, when were these hetero-normative roles assigned? It continues to make me quite irate to think that equality in the home is still a myth.
Will you be willing to waive your fees or work for free in “good faith?”
I have given speeches around the world to major corporations and ivy league universities. I continue to add value to high profile publications and news commentary, and still people dare to ask me to work for free.
In an ironic twist, my husband advises other retail founders and franchisees and I have never heard anyone ask him to work for free in “good faith.” As a matter of fact, prospects are quick to submit a deposit for his time to commit to the date and are often willing to pay more if needed.
If we are constantly chiming into the discussion about equal pay for equal work, why do people continue to “guilt” women into a decision to work for free? More importantly, how does this dynamic add to the debate over equal pay if women are consistently asked to work overtime or for less than their male colleagues?
What is the lowest offer you will take?
Well this one is special, as there continues to be an expectation that women leaders just throw random unrealistic numbers in the air, and need to come back to reality.
I often find it strange that if I am asked to present my value, it can be perceived lightheartedly, as if it is the opening line of a comedy show.
The same cannot be said for my husband. I have never heard anyone dare to ask him for his “lowest number” or even imply that his request is a joke. I find it fascinating that this low-ball negotiating strategy can make women reconsider their value.
Don’t you think that’s too unrealistic?
Another jab to the value of women is learning how to soften their ask, while leaving money on the table just to get in the door. That question often makes me feel invalid, and at times guilty. However, I know that I must remain committed to self advocacy with the least amount of explanation.
You’re such a busy dad. Don’t you ever feel guilty for being away?
Mom shaming and guilt are a constant issue for women leaders. The need to be everything for everyone, often leaving nothing for themselves. In addition, you are reminded that you cannot have it all at the same time, and the pressure of trying to remain a present parent and working woman is difficult, and rewarding.
Yet, we remain invested in the idea that men do not have “dad guilt.” My husband has shared countless stories about the guilt he has felt for his absence in our sons formative years due to work. However, the vocalized shame continues to haunt working mothers, who may not be available for every game, or every school play.
Remember, working fathers feel the pressure also.
Carol Sankar is a high level business consultant and the founder of The Confidence Factor for Women in Leadership, which is a global executive leadership firm focused on inclusion initiatives for high level women. Carol has been featured at TEDx, The Steve Harvey Show, Columbia Business School, The United Way and more. In addition, Carol is a contributor for Inc., & Entrepreneur Magazine. For more details, visit www.carolsankar.com
